Before it Breaks
by Le Creationist
Summary: AU. Claudia Jean Cregg-Bartlet has been keeping a secret. A Christmas tale in three parts.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: So this is really quite a belated Christmas fic, although I started writing this around the end of October. I've really gone through and edited and re-edited more times than is probably sane but I've decided I'm happy with it enough to post (finally!). I really wanted to explore what a marriage could be like between CJ and Jed, post-administration. Angst abounds, as there is a secret that CJ's been keeping from her husband, and one that he's been keeping from her.

Anyway, hope you read and humor me by granting me your imagination for a few moments to imagine CJ and Jed married and about to celebrate Christmas.

(Title is taken from Brandi Carlile's devastating song of the same name. You can listen to it here…http:/www youtube com/watch?v=fKDYvEXWXTc)

Disclaimer: The West Wing and its characters are decidedly NOT mine. Neither is Brandi Carlile's song 'Before it Breaks.' This is just a piece written by a most sincere fan.

* * *

><p><strong>Part One<strong>

"Around here it's the hardest time of year  
>Waking up, the days are even gone<br>Though the color of my coat  
>Lord help me killing off the cold<br>Where the raindrops sting my eyes  
>I keep them closed<br>But I'm feelin' no pain  
>I'm a little lonely and my quietest friend<br>Ever the moonlight, have I let you in  
>Say it ain't so, say I'm happy again<p>

Say it's over, say I'm dreamin  
>Say I'm better than you left me<br>Say you're sorry, I can take it  
>Say you'll wait, say you won't<br>Say you love me, say you don't  
>I can make my own mistakes<br>Let it bend before it breaks"

-_Brandi Carlile, "Before it Breaks."_

* * *

><p>It was hard to say exactly when she sensed it—CJ always strove to tell the difference between unnecessary paranoia and a need to be genuinely worried. One afternoon, it hit her and she couldn't blithely ignore the signs. The first doctor had dismissed it as nothing that rest and healthy living couldn't fix, the second told her they would do follow up tests, and the third confirmed her suspicions.<p>

Jed arrived home, looking as though he'd returned from a good conversation with someone. He certainly smelled of coffee and at least one cigarette, when he kissed her lightly on the cheek in greeting she was taken aback. She didn't give voice to her surprise though; she managed to restrain her impulse to be snippy. So dinner was peaceful and she enjoyed his company as always. They spoke of their respective days: CJ was now doing consulting for local political campaigns and offices while Jed was working on his memoirs in between his trips for the Bartlet Global Initiative Foundation—something they thought of and created as a couple.

"I was thinking we could spend Christmas with Liz and Doug this year," He casually mentioned between the smoked salmon and asparagus dish. She met his gaze, slightly stunned. Ever since they married six years ago, they'd taken to hosting the festivities at their own home. The holidays were imprinted in her mind as memories of lounging around with him, indulging in the kind of intimacy that the normal pace of life usually didn't afford them. They would have Jed's family over on Christmas Day until New Years'—but Christmas was always _theirs._ CJ shook herself and forced a smile.

"Of course we could," She replied, as she fought the burning desire to retract her consent.

"Good. Annie would love to see you, CJ." He returned her smile and covered her hand with his, causing her heart to swell with love for him. Before she could reveal more than she wanted to, she broke the mood and stood to begin cleaning up the dining table.

CJ went to bed that evening alone. Jed planned to stay up writing in his study, his usual routine until at least one in the morning because of his editor's incessant hounding everytime he approached a deadline. Late nights were always his thing, whether it was artificially created by his time in the White House or not, but they were certainly one she'd been willing to give up as of recently. The fatigue that seemed to turn her bones to lead was becoming more and more difficult to brush aside. She fell asleep as soon as her head touched the pillow.

The next day Jed returned to her smelling once again of coffee, cigarettes, and a certain glowing cheerfulness that normally CJ would have found charming but now only struck her with suspicion. She let it fester for as long as she could until she saw him smile to himself and it bothered her that she couldn't read his expression. So she asked, "Where did you go?"

His face retained its innocent expression when he replied.

"The coffeehouse—you know the one called 'Back to the Grind'?"

"By yourself?" Her tone softened considerably.

At his rapidly changing countenance, she braced herself for what she'd known through pure instinct.

"I was there…with Abbey."

"Oh," She breathed, feeling like she'd been punched in the gut.

He seemed unconcerned and shrugged, "She's been reminding me of certain things for the chapter I'm writing right now. There are just… some things that only she can tell me, Claudia. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable."

"So you two have been meeting since you started penning your memoirs. You know, I probably wouldn't have made a scene if you'd have just told me. God Jed, it's been nearly three months!" CJ broke off abruptly, stumbling over her words.

He frowned and reached out as if to hold her but something compelled her to shy away from his touch. She couldn't quite be that woman, the one who was completely comfortable with the thought of her husband with any other woman much less his ex-wife. She'd done so well in the first few years but now…especially not now. She couldn't do it.

The bedroom door was locked until four in the morning, when he went up to find her curled up in the middle of their bed. He settled in beside her, wrapping his warm arms around her body. She felt smaller somehow, and it made him ache with guilt. He felt her stir and he placed a sweet kiss on the side of her neck.

"I'm sorry, Jed." She whispered sleepily.

He held her more firmly, caressing her stomach and breathing in her scent. She had nothing to be sorry for, in fact he'd have been more worried if she wasn't as upset as she'd been. He was actually surprised she hadn't completely unleashed the storm that was her temper; she hadn't taken him to task as fully as he might have expected. His love for her was unquestionable—it had only grown each day since they began seeing each other. He understood her fear, just not her visceral reaction to his spending time with Abbey. Further thoughts disappeared as he fell asleep at last.

* * *

><p>Weeks passed quickly, and after Thanksgiving, CJ began to ponder what Christmas would be like this year. She'd begun her shopping early, for Zoey, Ellie and Liz she went to the likes of Tory Burch, Missoni and Chloé. The men, Doug, Vic and Charlie received a tie, a wallet and a wristwatch, respectively. For Annie she'd bought a couple of books and a dress, for Gus she bought the newest action figure of his favorite superhero who at the moment was Batman, and for baby Zachary she got a particularly unique Fisher-Price gizmo that Jed claimed would guarantee Ellie's child to be an early reader. She hadn't yet found a gift for Jed but there was still plenty of time to look. At least, there would have been if she didn't have canc—<p>

No, she shouldn't think like that. Not yet anyway, not when everyone around her was enjoying the beginning of the holidays.

The gifts were all wrapped and sat beneath the tree in their sitting room, ready to be transferred and then ripped open by enthusiastic hands on Christmas Day. She stood there in the foyer, clad in an oversized sweater and leggings, feeling overwhelmed. There was just not enough time…

She meandered in the direction of the study and found Jed revising on his computer. He typed endearingly slowly as a result of having a team of highly efficient secretaries throughout his entire career. He also donned his glasses and paired with the occasional furrowed brow, he looked downright professorial in his collared shirt and pullover sweater.

She sank into the armchair across from the large mahogany desk, rested her legs over the right armrest. CJ closed her eyes for a long moment. The fire blazed merrily in the hearth, at odds with the nature of her thoughts. She inhaled. The fire's warmth seeped through her cable-knit sweater. She let the breath go.

When CJ opened her eyes she found him staring at her with that familiar affection that both soothed and jarred her. She couldn't help but love him for it, though it broke her just a little.

"Are you feeling alright Claudia Jean?" He asked, a tad teasingly with her full name.

"Just tired. What're you doing?"

As he explained he was trying to outline the series of events that led to the assassination of Abdul ibn Shareef, she listened pensively. One of the humbling aspects of their relationship was the tremendous gain of insight for both of them. The tumultuous events, as well as the outright successes of the Bartlet administration were given new meaning as each shared with the other their experiences from different perspectives. Even years later, they never ran out of things to discuss. There were simply too many gaps in understanding—what Jed dealt with as President was obviously at times far different than what CJ faced as his Press Secretary then later his Chief of Staff.

Jed had already told her that the assassination took place while they were in New York City for the production of "The Wars of the Roses." She remembered that at the time, she'd been under Secret Service protection because of a death threat. She thought of Simon, and then she thought of later when Danny relentlessly went after for more information about Shareef's death. Though she believed it would have been better if he, Leo and the National Security Team had informed her long before the press got wind of it, she understood the reason for their silence better now.

Jed set the computer on standby and walked toward her, to stand in front of her and plant a kiss on her lips. When they broke apart to breathe, she was smiling softly.

"You know you're never gonna finish that thing if you keep this up."

His wonderful eyes sparkled in amusement.

"I agree, so I demand there be no more sauntering around me in sexy sweaters, Claudia Jean."

The giggle that escaped from her lips reassured him, while the mood slipped from playfulness to a more urgent sort of passion. Later that afternoon they lay entwined, both content to bask in the warmth they created as the world outside waited. She loved nothing more than to be close to him, nothing separating them but their own bare skin. It was in these moments that she was glad they took the risk and she could believe that she was the only one he loved.

"The streets of heaven are too crowded with angels tonight," murmured CJ sleepily as she caressed his chest. He grasped her hand and raised an eyebrow.

"That was when I first realized I was hopelessly in love with you." She admitted with a small smile.

He lifted her fingers to his lips to kiss them gently.

"You happened to wear white at that dinner."

"I promise I didn't plan that with Sam or anything," She joked softly and then met his gaze, "I couldn't take my eyes off you, Jed."

There were no more words spoken that night.

* * *

><p>It was snowing already in Manchester, blanketing the streets and inconveniencing the few drivers out that evening. There was nothing too unusual about her day in fact she'd gone about her routine without any problems. Step one; wake up early and jog three miles on treadmill, step two; eat breakfast, shower and dress, step three; return Mayor's phone calls about local high school fundraiser, step four; pay bills…The list went on until she'd checked them all off.<p>

After a brief trip to City Hall for a meeting with some city council members at noon, she was driven by two agents to the grocery store. Her purchases were simple: chicken breast fillets and lemon. She'd already prepared the marinade and there was homemade soup in the fridge that just needed reheating. It was funny how domestic she'd become. A few years ago she'd joke about her specialty being Chinese take-out and pizza.

"Claudia Jean?" rang out a voice from the hallway.

She paused, hands dripping with pesto marinade.

"I'm in the kitchen!" She responded while returning to her task.

The chicken pieces were laid out neatly on a foil wrapped baking pan when Jed found her, clad in one of those ubiquitous beige cashmere sweaters along with a garish apron tied around her waist. He was dressed in a long overcoat, gloves and a scarf. He was leaving for Brussels around ten that evening, he'd be gone for four days. She resumed basting the chicken breasts, grinning in spite of herself when she felt his arms wrap around her waist and his torso press against her back.

"I have to leave soon." He murmured.

"It's only four, I thought your flight takes off at ten."

There was a slight pause that drew her attention.

"It does, but you know with commercial flights it takes a heck of a lot longer to get through security these days. I just want to give myself a safe amount of time."

"You, and your Secret Service team, yes. As if anyone would stop you when you've got four armed guards accompanying you through security," She rolled her eyes jokingly, "Don't you miss Airforce One?"

"I miss the little bags of peanuts they always had."

She laughed quietly as he kissed her neck.

"I wish you could come with me. In fact, why aren't you coming with me?"

"Because the Mayor needs me to do his PR with the high school thing this weekend."

"It wounds me that you choose to help him and not me," The mock pout was nearly audible in Jed's voice.

"Honey, I've been helpin' you for years. I'm sure you'll survive Brussels, they've got chocolate and waffles up there, you know."

"God knows those are the only reasons I'll have to get up in the mornings." He retorted gently.

He waited until she rinsed her hands clean and then turned around in his embrace. She found his lips and kissed him once, her mouth opening in a gasp of surprise when he held her tighter and deepened the kiss.

"I'll see you in four days." He said, their foreheads pressed together.

"I'm looking forward to it."

He'd left the house soon after but still something struck her as odd. There was no concrete reason for him to leave excessively early, even for an international flight. CJ went up to the study and found that all of his notes for his memoirs weren't cluttering up the desk surface, which meant that he took the pages with him. Now she knew the reason for the earlier than necessary departure.

So CJ knew she was having a temporary moment of insanity but was powerless to stop it—she was following her husband to the coffee shop. She needed to see it; she could no less ignore it anymore than she could slice off a limb.

The window was frosty but still afforded her a generous view. She'd wrapped herself up in two jackets, a coat and a thick scarf, with a hat atop her head. She spotted them immediately, at a corner booth, both smiling and looking very good together. His eyes glowed as he related something to Abbey as she merely grinned into her coffee cup and something curled around CJ's heart, squeezing tightly and refusing to release it.

On her brisk walk home, she felt the tears freeze upon her cheeks. The front door opened easily beneath her shaking hand and CJ staggered to the sitting room past the perfect tree and pristinely wrapped gifts beneath. She collapsed in front of the sofa alone, imagining the satisfaction Abigail Bartlet probably felt. Then after that followed the shame in thinking that a strong, intelligent and fundamentally good woman could be so petty as to find malicious joy in the gradual deterioration of someone else's marriage. CJ felt like she was getting what she deserved at last.

She'd become slightly withdrawn since he'd returned from Belgium and her refusal to come clean had Jed puzzled. He grew more worried as she seemed to lose her appetite too easily and slept in each morning far later than she usually did. He tried to put a little more roast beef, chicken, whatever they were eating, on her plate and he took her to the movies, the theatre, shopping—anything to cheer her up. He refused to get impatient, knowing instinctively that it was the worst thing he could do. Experience had taught him that, surely.

"Claudia Jean," He whispered, stroking her cheek as they sat in front of the fireplace one evening. She exhaled slowly, relaxing into his arms and burying her face in his shoulder. It tore at him that he couldn't suss out the cause of her melancholy. He thought she wouldn't mind his meetings with Abbey, although he admitted that it would have been wiser to tell CJ about it first. The insensitivity was agonizingly obvious in retrospect.

When she kissed his neck, he felt a stirring that only she was capable of eliciting. He took her in his arms and claimed her lips hungrily, hoping that if she wouldn't tell him what was bothering her, she would at least find release through him. Their clothes ended up on the floor, and when he brought her over the edge, he reveled in her ardent cries. Her long legs kept him anchored to her while he longed for nothing more than to soothe the hurt he'd unintentionally inflicted.

"I love you, more than you could know," Jed murmured, his lips pressed tenderly into her skin. Her eyes glowed in the firelight, the sadness gone for the moment and for that he was glad.

"I love you too, Josiah."


	2. Chapter 2

**Part Two**

"I'm all right, don't I always seem to be?  
>Am I swinging on the stars<br>Don't I wear them on my sleeves  
>But when you're looking for a crossroads<br>It happens every day, and **whichever way you turn****  
><strong>**I'm gonna turn the other way**

Say it's over, say I'm dreamin  
>Say I'm better than you left me<br>Say you're sorry, I can take it  
>Say you'll wait, say you won't<br>Say you love me, say you don't  
>I can make my own mistakes<br>And learn to let it bend before it breaks"

_-Brandi Carlile, "Before it Breaks," Verse Two_

* * *

><p>The Westons were more than ready to host a big Christmas from the way their house was decked out—very reminiscent of the White House decorations save the lack of professional singers, orchestra and band. CJ played her part, was happy and talkative when addressed, <em>yes the consulting work was very fulfilling <em>and _pass the mashed potatoes if you please_. Jed would wrap an arm around her waist and she found it finally felt normal to be this close to her husband, when in his daughters' eyes they had always been boss and subordinate for as long as they had known her.

Zoey and Charlie were obviously very happy together, something for which CJ was thankful. Liz and Doug were more of a unit than they were during that awfully awkward period when he wanted to run for Congress. Ellie and Vic had their hands full with their toddler, who'd taken to clambering onto CJ's lap to demand her attention. Christmas Eve was turning out to be unexpectedly perfect.

The doorbell rang and Jed got up to answer it. The rest of them were playing Scrabble in the living room, Zachary nestled on CJ's lap as he messed about with her wooden letters. Ellie and Zoey were fiercely debating whether or not Zoey's haphazard arrangement of high value letters actually composed a word while Gus and Annie added to the ruckus with their respective shouts of agreement. She was laughing at their antics when she noticed Charlie's slack-jawed expression as he looked at something behind her. CJ carefully turned to see who was at the door, mindful of the gurgling toddler who was playing with her necklace.

"Merry Christmas, everyone, I'm sorry I'm so late, hey there Gus! Oh Zach is at least a foot bigger since I last saw him-" Abbey Bartlet greeted as she stepped over the threshold, her arms laden with what were clearly presents.

Immediately, Scrabble was forgotten as the Bartlet daughters scrambled to exuberantly greet their mother. Charlie and Doug immediately moved to relieve her of the boxes as she hugged and kissed her grandkids, then her daughters. Jed walked over to stand beside them, smiling widely at their joy. She could only stare at the scene, torn between shock and the sensation of being horribly wrong-footed. Zachary placed a small hand on her cheek as if to claim her attention. The child's scrutiny made her uneasy and she gathered him into her arms as she stood. As if sensing CJ's predicament, Vic stepped forward and she reluctantly placed the squirmy little boy back in his father's arms. CJ had nothing to hide behind now, and she couldn't have felt more out of place.

It was as if six years hadn't passed. CJ watched the large family together and dreaded the reaction when Abbey noticed her standing there. Her heart pounded, adrenaline flooding her already weakened body and she wondered at the cause of the sudden light headedness that seemed to overtake her.

Just when she felt she was about to fall, Jed appeared at her side and took her hand in his. He squeezed slightly. Abbey walked toward them slowly yet deliberately, as CJ searched for the smallest hint of triumph in her former friend's demeanor.

"Merry Christmas, Claudia Jean." The other woman said with a vaguely speculative glint in her eyes. It was surreal, seeing her former close friend standing with her ex-husband in Abbey's oldest daughter's home. The hatred that used to turn her vision red merely fizzled out. CJ looked older, thin, hollow. In spite of the situation, Abbey felt that hating CJ was impossible when she looked as if she held the weight of the world on her shoulders.

"Merry Christmas, Abbey." CJ forced herself to reply.

And then in the blink of an eye, the strangely charged moment was broken. Doug asked if Abbey would like anything to drink or eat, as dinner was still in the kitchen. Charlie came to stand by CJ and said, "Are you okay?"

She nodded thrice and flashed a grin as best she could, uncaring that he could probably see right through her.

"Thanks Charlie but I can handle this. I'm a big girl after all."

They watched the chattering group of people migrate to the kitchen, Jed talking to Zoey about something or other when Zoey turned and saw Charlie with her stepmother.

"Dad, is CJ alright? She seems…different. I mean I know it must be hard for mom and her to be here together but even so, she looks like she's lost a lot of weight since I last saw her. And she's so pale—"

"She's fine, sweetie. I'll take care of this, don't worry." Jed cut her off and shooed her with difficulty into the kitchen. He noticed Charlie place an empathetic hand on CJ's bicep before she went to the foyer, disappearing from his sight. Jed began to follow when Charlie stopped him.

"I think you should talk to her. Something's definitely wrong and she's not telling."

Jed frowned, nodding his assent. He heard the front door open and shut. It was far too cold outside for her to be out there by herself and if he knew her at all, she was going for a walk to clear her head. He hurriedly threw on his own coat and scarf, uncaring that it was probably not enough insulation. All he knew was that he had to get to CJ.

He found her standing at the end of the street, under a snow covered tree. She was shaking—he could tell even from a distance. When he got to her, he heard her muffled sobs.

"Baby, what's wrong—"

She reared away from him at the sound of his voice.

"Did you know Abbey was coming tonight?"

"CJ, she's the mother of my children, I think she has the right to visit her oldest daughter and her family on Christmas Eve."

There was hardly a line between his flippancy and facetiousness.

"Yes of course she does, that's not the problem at all but—but I would have appreciated advance notice especially if you knew _we_ were going to be spending the holiday here."

"Well, I frankly wasn't sure if she was coming either but she's here now and we'd better make the best out of an awkward situation. What is it with you? Ever since I told you I'd been meeting her for completely _platonic_ reasons you've been sullen, despondent, frankly petulant-" Jed forced himself to stop spewing the sudden onslaught of anger at his wife's behavior.

CJ remained stock still, hardly daring to breathe.

"Yes, God forgive me if I show the slightest bit of insecurity," Her voice was strangely calm, "It's not like the two of you had thirty years together over our six. That _she_'s the first one you ask to help you pen your memoirs. That _she's_ the one who belongs there with them."

She threw her pointed hand in the direction of the house and then dropped her arm back to her side. Her posture radiated anger.

"I understand that you will never be completely over her, Jed. It's only natural that some part of you should love her after all this time. She gave you three beautiful children, and you two shared so much together. You love me, but you will never love me like you love her."

The expression on Jed's face could only be described as pole-axed. Their breaths emerged as agitated puffs of air in the cold divide between them. There was no one else on the street, only the faintly distant sound of Christmas carols coming from a neighbor's house that only served to underscore her bitterness.

"That's bullshit and you know it. What's really going on?"

He hadn't talked to her like this in a long time, he was trying to bait her into revealing her true problem by any means necessary. Her stubbornness led him to this. She didn't like it at all and that dull ache she'd carried for weeks transformed into a cruel, knifing pain.

"What's bullshit is how you agreed to marry me when it's clear that it was a spur-of-the-moment mistake! How could you have been so selfish and let me love you knowing you'd never really be mine?" She cried.

"It's been six years, Claudia, fourteen if you count the time from the day I met you. You call that an impulsive mistake? You're the one in _here,_" He suddenly grabbed her hand and placed it against his racing heart. She roughly yanked it away, feeling gratified at the look of shock on his face.

Stunned, he could only watch as she viciously swiped away the tears on her cold reddened cheeks.

"I think I should take a cab home." She added, sounding more fatigued than anything else now.

"CJ," He murmured contritely, moving to hold her against him.

"No. Not…not now. You should be with your family."

He looked aghast, "They're your family too!"

She shook her head sadly.

"I'll see you in a week."

* * *

><p>The holidays passed in a flurry of wrapping paper and delighted whoops from the children, but her absence weighed on his soul. The things he took for granted made themselves painfully noticeable, like when he woke up for the first time without her at his side, and when he began reading the new mystery novel gifted to him by Charlie, he didn't have her to share it with. He had bought her a beautifully cut Topaz and Peridot ring, both of their birthstones surrounded by tiny diamonds. It was sentimental, maybe even corny, but she wasn't there to tell him if it was. He fully intended to give it to her in person.<p>

She'd left her present to him at Liz's house, so that he could open it on Christmas Day. It was an expensive black cashmere scarf with matching gloves—she'd apparently noticed his fraying scarves and hole-y mittens. He would have teased her about buying a scarf instead of knitting one for him. Instead he stood alone in front of the mirror, adjusting the scarf himself and trying to ignore the telltale stinging in his eyes. New Years' eve arrived and he called her at their home as well as her cell phone. She didn't answer.

Abbey ended up staying in the Westons' spare bedroom for the two days after Christmas, and then driving back to Concord to her apartment. They'd had a heartfelt conversation about their divorce in which she'd revealed to him that she believed they'd made the right decision despite Abbey's vitriolic and scathing response to Jed's second marriage. She grew to accept that the trials of public life wreaked havoc on their relationship that there had never been any time to deal with—not when rogue nuclear countries were feeling frisky or there was a hurricane ravaging the east coast. The time from the end of the administration to their first day as just two people again was an enormous wakeup call. They'd simply grown apart in the way that time does to most, yet the thought that that might be what was happening to him and CJ caused an uncomfortable wrenching in his chest.

He returned home to find it devoid of her presence. Panicking, he moved from room to room in an irrational search for her until he discovered the note she'd written and left on the refrigerator. She'd gone to Dayton to stay at her family home and would be there for two weeks.

He wrestled with himself for exactly half that time, wanting desperately to go to her but also wanting to respect her privacy. The former desire won out. He booked a red-eye flight to Ohio, all the while hearing the echoes of her last words to him. They rang true in that some part of him would always love Abbey, but she was wrong that he wasn't fully invested in their life together. He wished fervently that he hadn't lashed out at her the way he did, did he ever learn from his mistakes? In the barn during his second campaign she'd informed him of her decision to resign as Press Secretary after a botched briefing and what had he done? He chastised her for wanting to quit and almost went so far as implying she should be grateful to even have a job. There was nothing more unsettling than the utter blankness of her stare. That was how she was at her most emotional, ironically—when her expression was far too pure of the feelings he knew raged inside her.

Upon arrival at Dayton International, Jed and his honorary Secret Service team made their way to the awaiting car while battling their way through a modest crowd of reporters. They threw questions at him, along the lines of "was there another divorce on the horizon?" which made him wonder firstly how in the hell anyone knew about his and CJ's troubles, and secondly, when the press became comfortable treating him like a tabloid celebrity instead of a former president of the United States. Irritated by the impertinence, he remained silent and crossed his arms on the way to the Cregg family home. He pictured her face and felt the irritation dissipate. He would make things right and everything would be whole again.

The house looked a little careworn amid the bleak Ohio winter snow. The paint was a somber shade of burgundy and the windows were frosted almost completely over. He stared at it, wondering why she chose to hide here of all places.

Three brisk knocks on the door and he lowered his one overnight bag to the floor—presumptuous, he knew, that he believed he could get her to return to New Hampshire with him in such a short amount of time. The waiting heightened his sense of hearing so when he detected the faint rustling on the other side of the front door, he straightened up and took a deep breath.

"Jed—what are you doing here?" She asked, clearly taken aback.

She looked pale still, and all those little things that had slipped his notice before were impossible to miss now. She was indeed thinner than he ever remembered her being, and she had dark smudges beneath her eyes that hinted of insomnia. She wore no makeup, her hair was up in a loose bun. He said nothing; he just stepped forward and placed a hand behind her neck to draw her into a deep kiss despite the fact that two agents stood at his back.

She resisted not one bit, yet when he pulled back he saw the shimmering of tears in her eyes.

"We need to talk. Come in."

The agents remained in the entry way, in from the cold but far enough away to allow the couple their privacy. Jed followed her into the kitchen and saw that the TV was tuned into CNN and a half eaten bagel lay lonely on a plate on the bar surface. She'd been snacking and watching the news alone. He felt an almost crippling wave of regret that she'd spent the aftermath of the holidays here by herself but then he felt her hand clasp his and his attention was focused fully upon the present.

She kissed him this time, her tongue softly parting his lips and he felt profoundly relieved that she clearly still loved him—that was not the problem at the root of their union and he breathed all the more easily for it.

"Baby, please…tell me what's the matter? You haven't been yourself even before I started meeting with Abbey and the debacle at Christmas. I admit that I was wrong to withhold the meetings from you and it's killing me that I hurt you. I love you so much and I'm not afraid to say honestly that you're the only one in my heart. Abbey was a huge part of my past, but that's just it, even she's been frank enough to say that she's learning to move on. I am all yours, and I want nothing more than to be yours for the rest of my life."

CJ was caressing the back of his hand as he spoke, but she wouldn't quite meet his gaze.

"You have no idea how much I've wanted to hear you say that."

Before he could press on, she embraced him and kissed him with the passion that always robbed him of coherent thought. He grasped her tiny waist and ran his hands all over her, vaguely registering that she was wearing one of his favorite sweaters. They somehow made it upstairs in one piece without letting each other go. He took his time in pulling the sweater off her body, kissing and licking every inch of her perfect skin. The way she sighed his name spurred him on: he made love to her slowly, intensely, and when she reached her pleasure he clutched her tightly to him as if he couldn't bear to be anywhere else.

He looked at her as she curled around his side and noted with delight that her cheeks were now a healthy, rosy pink. He ran his hand from her back to her hip continuously, feeling the soothing lull of sleep approaching.

"I have to tell you something, Jed." CJ spoke up after several moments of blissful silence.

He opened his eyes and peered down at her.

"Go ahead, baby."

He watched her bite her lip and was alarmed to see tears form in her eyes and slowly spill over. She started to cry, and before he could do anything, she'd sat up and covered her face with her hands. He followed suit and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, supporting her when she caved against him. When she recovered herself, she wiped her eyes and nose and looked at him directly.

"I…I have leukemia."


	3. Chapter 3

**Part Three**

He froze, not quite believing his ears.

"_What?"_

"I have cancer."

When he found himself utterly speechless, she broke into a hurried explanation.

"It was during a routine checkup that they found something weird in my blood—a high count of abnormal white blood cells and they ran more tests. I got a second and third opinion eventually and that's when I was diagnosed. It's chronic and not accelerated, so I haven't been getting chemo or blood transfusions or anything, though that's most likely gonna be the next step—"

He wasn't even aware he was crying until he felt her pull him to her shoulder and make comforting sounds. He clung to her as all the signs suddenly made gravely sickening sense. He remembered when she'd come down with a nasty bout of the flu six months ago and she came home from the hospital strangely quiet. Her next few appointments had the same effect on her but he was so damn busy with his memoirs that he hadn't thought much of her reticence.

"Why didn't you _tell _me?"

She looked sadly at him through her own tears.

"Because you were finally on good terms with Abbey. I mean, I saw you at the coffee shop together and…and you two have your family to think about, happiness, laughter and grandkids. I…I didn't want to take that away."

"But you've known for a much longer time than that! God, Claudia, this is your life we're talking about here. There are two people in this marriage. You make these decisions alone and you forget that I need you." He said plaintively.

"You've said that before."

They both thought of the time during his re-election campaign that they'd spent in the Manchester barn, when she threatened to quit. He was also reminded of the Oklahoma trip after the tornado during his second term, when they'd had an argument about his responsibility. Well he wasn't about to let her quit this time, and he sure as hell was going to take responsibility.

"And to think my health was what we worried about. You silly, _silly_ woman…How long will it take for you to realize how important you are to me?" Jed murmured, clutching both of her hands tightly.

"I was just _so _scared. I didn't know what to do so I went on like I was alright."

Jed's brow furrowed as he fought another wave of fresh tears and guilt.

"I should have been there for you but I was too much of a selfish bastard to see it."

"Be here for me now, Jed. That's all I want."

He looked at her with such reverence that she could almost feel it caress her skin.

And they slept, CJ firmly ensconced in Jed's embrace.

There had never been a moment of epiphany when he first realized he was in love with her. He'd always cared for her as more than his Press Secretary, and then his Chief of Staff. Perhaps it was the way she always expected the best of him even when he let her down, the way she placed all of her faith in him. How regardless of the inherently vicious nature of politics in Washington coupled with the government salary, she stuck by him. He doubted he deserved her loyalty.

The first time he was cognizant of the changing direction of his feelings was when he discovered her in her office, quietly crying after she'd gotten the call from one of her brothers. Talmidge Cregg passed away in his sleep at the age of eighty four, and his daughter sat there in her office at the White House, attempting to stifle her sobs so no one would hear while on hold with the Japanese Ambassador.

He went to comfort her without hesitation, bending to take her into his arms once he found out the source of her sorrow. They'd kept a respectable personal distance until the end of his second Presidential term. After the term ended and a year after his divorce with Abbey, he called her. She'd been living in Dayton, regaining the feel of a normal life outside of Washington.

Now they were at Good Samaritan Hospital in Dayton, which provided advanced care for cancer patients. After they made up, they agreed that he'd accompany her to her next appointment where she'd ask about treatment options. As Jed sat in the doctor's office, holding her left hand in both of his own, he pondered the welcoming ambience of the office from the warm lighting and peach colored walls to the modern furnishings and large glass windows. That was probably the whole point of the interior design—to offset the gravity of the news delivered here daily. The moroseness of that thought made him shake his head at himself and when Dr. Aquino entered the office, they both stood to greet her.

"Hello Mr. President, Mrs. Cregg-Bartlet. Please, have a seat. I understand that we're here to discuss treatment options for leukemia." Her tone was smooth and appropriately pleasant.

She was probably younger than CJ but she had a reassuring presence, standing before them in a crisp white lab coat over a white button down shirt and black trousers. Jed knew that this was a doctor who knew what she was doing—he recognized the same sense of professionalism in both Abbey and Ellie.

Jed nodded in a belated response, still finding the situation surreal. He strove for the vast reserves of steely calm he used to rely upon as president, only to find that he couldn't possibly be anything other than a husband who was beside himself with anxiety.

"I think you should tell my husband everything about my cancer, doctor. He's got questions that I can't answer and I could probably do with a comprehensive recap."

At the prompting, Dr. Aquino nodded and faced the ex-President, who looked so much more human in person than she'd remembered him being on television.

"Mrs. Bartlet has chronic lymphocytic leukemia. This simply means that your wife's white blood cells have been compromised. According to some routine blood tests she had done six months ago," The doctor flipped through some of CJ's medical record on her clipboard, "Yes, here. There was an unusually high count of white blood cells. This type of leukemia isn't aggressive, but it's probably best that we agree on the extent of therapy that you'll need, Mrs. Bartlet."

Jed sat back and took it all in. CJ could see the questions swarming around in his head and knew it'd take him only a moment to verbalize them.

"Is it curable?" He asked frankly, with a slight waver in his voice.

Dr. Aquino looked at CJ with a knowing expression that conveyed she instinctively knew to tread gently.

"I'm sorry sir, it's not." The doctor's tone softened considerably.

Jed nodded rapidly and blinked hard. His grip on his wife's hand unconsciously tightened.

"What options are there?" CJ asked surprisingly calmly considering her inner turmoil.

"Well, Mrs. Bartlet, since during the time between your diagnosis and now, you've reported increasing instances of fatigue and loss of appetite?"

CJ nodded in assent, feeling suddenly like the world was going to fall away from beneath her feet. She noted vaguely the tightness of Jed's grip on her hand and knew a moment of intense sadness. She pictured him even against her will at the breakfast table, reading the paper in silence—alone.

"We'll have to run some more blood tests to determine how many more compromised cells have overwhelmed the bone marrow. I suspect the count is significantly higher because of Mrs. Bartlet's increasing symptoms of anemia. In the meantime, I'll tell you about our options. Here at Good Samaritan, we offer combination chemotherapy treatment are effective in both newly-diagnosed and relapsed chronic lymphocytic leukemia. I've compiled the relevant information—" Dr. Aquino handed Jed a neatly stapled pile of papers, "I want you both to go home and read it all, discuss it, and come back on Monday for another consultation."

"Is there anything she can do about the anemia?" Jed asked abruptly.

"Yes, sir I've prescribed her some iron and vitamin supplements to help alleviate the dizziness. She can pick it up at the pharmacy before you leave."

The former President and his wife thanked Dr. Aquino warmly and exited the oncology department, which had been sealed off except for them, the doctors, nurses, administrative staff and of course, the Secret Service. They proceeded to the pharmacy, which was still open to the public, and placed CJ's order for the supplements. They chatted up the few patients there, most of whom went to shake their hands. Thankfully, CJ had already stashed the cancer treatment documents in her purse. That didn't mean they weren't hassled by a couple of reporters—there were a few waiting outside the hospital. They both remained polite but ultimately stoic, no doubt the reporters would assume they were there for Jed's MS.

When they got home, he couldn't let go of her. They went straight to bed to just lie down, face to face. Everything was new again it seemed. Every surface of her skin there was to kiss, he worshiped. It was like he'd finally found her behind all of those barriers she constructed to protect him and ultimately herself.

"Jed…Before this goes on any longer, I just want to tell you that…if I…" She swallowed thickly, "I don't want you to be alone. It would break my heart."

"Then it's a good thing I'm not going to be alone, isn't it? You're gonna be right here with me, Claudia Jean. We're gonna get through this together." He said resolutely. The light in his eyes conveyed how much he meant what he said.

They never quite fell asleep. Each drifted in and out of the waking world, making sure that the other was still beside them.

It started to snow again, CJ could hear the wet plops of snow fall from the branches of the trees just outside their bedroom window. She listened to Jed's steady breathing and snuggled deeper into his chest, feeling his heartbeat against her back made her feel safe. She thought of Hogan, away at university in southern California, where snow was a distant phenomenon at best.

She thought of Charlie, a freshly minted partner at a DC law firm. Of Zoey, who was pursuing a Master's degree in international affairs at the Elliot School at GWU. Her mind moved to adorable baby Zachary, who was apparently giving his parents hell with his enthusiasm for the Fisher Price gizmo she and Jed had given him. Finally she pictured Liz and Doug, who were too close to her in age to be considered stepchildren yet with whom she redeveloped an almost- friendship with. The reason for the difficulty was that Liz originally sided with her mother during the divorce—all previous rapport between her and CJ pretty much dissipated when Jed revealed to his daughters that he was remarrying. Doug, of course, sided with Liz.

CJ switched sides to face Jed, whose eyes had opened but were bleary. It must have been at least one in the morning.

"What are you thinking about, baby?" He asked gently.

"We need to tell everyone. Before it progresses further."

"You choose to talk about these things during the oddest hours."

She raised a shoulder in a shrug the best she could while lying down on her side. The duvet slipped a little off her bare shoulder and it drew his eyes quite easily. She smiled knowingly, inwardly quite amazed that their intimacy wasn't burdened by either of their problems. If anything, they were emotionally closer than she remembered for quite some time.

"Let's start with the girls." He said, bringing a hand up to trace a mesmerizing pattern on her shoulder, then her collarbone.

"Okay."

He continued to stare at her, and she felt a pleasant sort of heat pool in her lower body. His fingertips playing softly around her neck were eliciting an unreasonably keen reaction. She smiled and coyly lowered her eyes.

"I thought we needed our beauty sleep," CJ said.

"Do you have a better suggestion of how to tire ourselves out during these ungodly hours?" His eyes were sparkling as his hands caressed and teased beneath the duvet.

"You're incorrigible," she said even as she drew close to kiss his lips.

He savored the moment and when they parted, he just looked at her and _saw_ her—the way that never failed to make her feel loved, cherished beyond all measure.

"We can do this, Claudia Jean. One step at a time," Jed whispered.

A small smile touched her lips, and she believed him.

_**Fin.**_

A/N 2: I didn't want to mention it at the beginning of the story since it might've spoiled it for you, but CJ's secret is based on the short segment "**Bastille** (XIIe arrondissement)" from the movie **Paris, Je T'aime. **It was written and directed, I believe, by the brilliant Isabel Coixet whose work I deeply admire.


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